I Admit It: I Have A Crush

Here, on the Internet where everyone with a hook up and a computer can see, I am announcing that I have a crush.

I should clarify that it's just a general crush on the whole world. I'm smitten with the idea of almost everything right now, event things that may be bad, and I'm going to write a middle-school era note with GRE-level vocabulary (gotta practise) to my crush and let it know how I feel. Here it goes.

Dear world:

I like spelling your name with a lowercase letter because I feel that makes you a little bit more mine. You're no longer something lofty and unattainable. Instead, I feel like you belong to me. I don't know how long I can hold onto you and keep you from becoming too dangerous and scary, but I want to relish every moment.

I like the unknown, I like knowing that I can only do my best but I am never fully in control. There is something very nice about giving up power to someone else. It means that the future can be predicted but unexpected and exciting.

The profound beauty and fundamental goodness of things makes my heart seem to disappear in my chest. Every time I really look at you I feel that I am not quite worthy but just because I recognize that fact I somehow deserve you. At the same time I know in many ways I am too good for you. You will always want me as much as I want you. You will always want me to get sucked into the dizziness that you can offer. You may try to drown me in your wicked distractions, but I am above that.

I am above that because I am just as good as you. I have my uncontrollable faults and weaknesses too. I will never be better than you, but I will always be your equal and ready to take you on. I may become jaded or you may break my heart, but I think even after that I will be able to match you, even if I'm scared.

And if you ever think you're better than me or I am not worthy of your attentions, fuck you.

I love you. And I'm thankful for everything I have, even if somehow I were to die now and lose it all. I would walk away with nothing but fond memories of a love. That's what's best, right? To have memories more than dreams and to love and expect love in return.

So that's all I have to say. It's a bit silly, I know, and I'm out there putting myself on the line and hoping you'll give me the answer I want. Reassure me that I can take you on. Little bits of encouragement are all I need. Just knowing there will almost certainly be a tomorrow is usually enough. Continue giving me that hope.

Love,
Liz