To Sleep, Ah, Perchance To Dream . . .

After almost an entire week of sleeping badly, I've now had some days of decent sleep. Things at work have been good, especially since bridges seem to be mended between my friend and me. Both of us had been very, very hurt by various things, but I think we both learned a lesson. I know what I've found, at any rate.

Sometimes you run across those people you feel you've known forever. They're so rare, but when you find them, you can slip along with them like a habit. It's so easy to slide into everything that you forget that you haven't known this person forever and you don't know everything about them. And a person's most vulnerable parts are the things you always see last, so you end up wounding someone without even realizing it.

But if you know one of these people and you fall besides each other like that, then it also means you're supposed to get over any problems and get back into the good stuff. Because that's all anyone wants--the good stuff. As long as you always remember the good stuff, you can get on with the bad stuff.

Asides from that, I don't know too much of what to say. Spring is making a tentative entrance in Texas, and the daffodils all bloomed on Monday, which is good, because I needed to be reassured that things can still be simple and happy. Now I'm fully convinced again.

If it weren't for the growing pile of laundry and the fact I just can't stay on Topper long enough to get my back fixed again, life would be perfect right now.

The laundry can be fixed, and Topper I can live with and love because the whole thing is part of me.

For copyediting, we were supposed to find an example of good writing. It could be anything. This is one of my favorites because I think it relates to any type of love, with friends, lovers, family, anything. Does anybody else think this is a great simile?

"Falling in love is like owning a dog: an epithalamion"
by Taylor Mali

Falling in love is like owning a dog.
First of all, it's a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
When you're walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain't no one gonna mess with you.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies next to you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

Love doesn't like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you just want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don't you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise!
It runs you around the block and leaves you breathless.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you're all wound up and can't move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, and lots of it.
And, in return, love loves you and never stops.

Choking

So I guess the funk from the weekend never really disappeared, seeing as how it's Thursday night and I'm still chewing over things. I've got enough to chew over that I feel like I'm choking and the whole thing makes me vaguely sick to my stomach. I may be thinking too much, but then, I don't know. I'm pretty sure things need a lot of thought right now.

I got in a huge fight with a friend and coworker Tuesday. This person is a friend first, but it was a coworker fight, if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, neither of us kept personal problems out of the fight, so it escalated into an all-out dirty fight. We probably know each other too well. I'm certain that this aftermath hurts so badly because we were (are?) such close friends.

Work will go on, but right now I'm hanging in limbo personally. The other person said they didn't want to talk to me at all as of Tuesday night, but I don't know if that still applies. I'm terrified of saying anything for fear of making things worse. But how can I make things better without saying anything? Because this is not working, being without each other. It sucks in the worst possible fashion, and I know I don't want things to stay like this.

I got accused of being insensitive and generally bitchy. This was the other person's problem with me personally and professionally, from what I can gather. I just can't quite wrap my head around all of it, though. There were no real problems till last week, when I must've morphed into an infuriating person. So I can't be all insensitive and all bitchy, otherwise I'm pretty sure that would've gotten in the way of us being such close friends to begin with.

But I know that it's probably true at some level. My problem is that I've mistaken always telling the truth with always saying what pops to mind. The little self-censoring section of my brain just sort of disappears when I've known a person after a certain period of time. I get to the point where I can figure I can say absolutely anything and it'll be ok because it's just a friend.

And now I know that's not the case, I should still watch myself. This is my public admittance. Isn't it Alchoholics Anonymous that say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery? This is the best first step I can take, since I can't apologize to my friend any more since, as far as I know, they still don't want to talk to me. If they've changed their mind, I have no way of knowing that. I can only hope that one run of me behaving badly without realizing it won't ruin anything permanently.

Also, I'm still learning what pisses this person off. I'm still learning with everyone. Every once in a while something totally unexpected I do or say makes my parents mad, or my friend of several years. I can't take back anything I've said, since I didn't mean it and didn't intend it as harmful to begin with. But I've been trying so hard to learn for a while now and just unfortunately made all my mistakes in one row. I definitely learned from the mistakes, no worries there--but I just hope the other person lets me prove it.

I am not all a problem, and not everything I do is a problem, but I am THE problem right now, it seems.

Some other random musings on the subject . . .

It's only the people who know you the best and are the closest to you who can hurt you the worst. And if two people really are that close, it's certain each is equally miserable over problems. It's nice when friends spill over to work, but it sucks when problems from either spill into the other. Can you ever keep them apart, I wonder?

I don't want this to end . . . but does someone else feel my unintentional mistakes are serious enough to warrant killing off such a great, reassuring, confiding, comfortable, entertaining relationship that really and honestly works?

Golden

Updating this thing has been sporadic lately, I know. Apologies to those who find a weird satisfaction from knowing what I think. There's probably a good number of you that hear everything from me directly anyway.

Now that we're a month into the semester (it seems so much longer) I think I've found my routine. Homework gets done in the middle of the day, I'm usually awake for classes, and work is the same. Almost everybody I need to talk to or want to see is at work, so I don't feel too badly about getting out so late and usually getting to sleep soon after that.

I just got back from the barn and riding Topper. It wasn't a very exciting ride--but it was the first time in more than two weeks, I think. He hurt his legs, then it was raining, then I got sick, and it was just one thing after another. So today we go out and spend about 20 min or so just sort of stretching out . . . it felt so nice! I missed my saddle so much. And it just feels so right to ride.

Plus, it was effing beautiful outside today. Texas in the spring really is something to see. Especially when it seems like it's been constantly raining lately.

Being outside made me feel better about myself today. I woke up in a funk . . . just one of those restless, disjoined states where I question everything I want to take for granted and wonder if I'm doing the right things. That's part of the reason why I love the week so much--I'm too busy to question myself. I know everything is ok and I'm fine, but I can't help it, every once in a while I just start thinking too much about things that should be simple.

The other day on the radio I heard the song "Golden" by Jill Scott. That song is awesome. It's been running through my head since then, and I really can't complain.

I'm taking my freedom, pulling it off the shelf, putting it on my chain, wearing it round my neck
I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my car, wherever I chose to go, it will take me far
I'm taking my own freedom, putting it in my song, singing loud and strong, groovin' all day long
I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my stroll, I be high steppin ya'll, letting the joy unfold
I'm holding on my freedom, can't take it from me, I was born into it, it comes naturally
I'm strumming my own freedom, praying to God in me, representing his glory, hope he's proud of me.

Living my life like it's golden, living my life like it's golden, living my life like it's golden
Living my life like it's golden, golden