Choking

So I guess the funk from the weekend never really disappeared, seeing as how it's Thursday night and I'm still chewing over things. I've got enough to chew over that I feel like I'm choking and the whole thing makes me vaguely sick to my stomach. I may be thinking too much, but then, I don't know. I'm pretty sure things need a lot of thought right now.

I got in a huge fight with a friend and coworker Tuesday. This person is a friend first, but it was a coworker fight, if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, neither of us kept personal problems out of the fight, so it escalated into an all-out dirty fight. We probably know each other too well. I'm certain that this aftermath hurts so badly because we were (are?) such close friends.

Work will go on, but right now I'm hanging in limbo personally. The other person said they didn't want to talk to me at all as of Tuesday night, but I don't know if that still applies. I'm terrified of saying anything for fear of making things worse. But how can I make things better without saying anything? Because this is not working, being without each other. It sucks in the worst possible fashion, and I know I don't want things to stay like this.

I got accused of being insensitive and generally bitchy. This was the other person's problem with me personally and professionally, from what I can gather. I just can't quite wrap my head around all of it, though. There were no real problems till last week, when I must've morphed into an infuriating person. So I can't be all insensitive and all bitchy, otherwise I'm pretty sure that would've gotten in the way of us being such close friends to begin with.

But I know that it's probably true at some level. My problem is that I've mistaken always telling the truth with always saying what pops to mind. The little self-censoring section of my brain just sort of disappears when I've known a person after a certain period of time. I get to the point where I can figure I can say absolutely anything and it'll be ok because it's just a friend.

And now I know that's not the case, I should still watch myself. This is my public admittance. Isn't it Alchoholics Anonymous that say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery? This is the best first step I can take, since I can't apologize to my friend any more since, as far as I know, they still don't want to talk to me. If they've changed their mind, I have no way of knowing that. I can only hope that one run of me behaving badly without realizing it won't ruin anything permanently.

Also, I'm still learning what pisses this person off. I'm still learning with everyone. Every once in a while something totally unexpected I do or say makes my parents mad, or my friend of several years. I can't take back anything I've said, since I didn't mean it and didn't intend it as harmful to begin with. But I've been trying so hard to learn for a while now and just unfortunately made all my mistakes in one row. I definitely learned from the mistakes, no worries there--but I just hope the other person lets me prove it.

I am not all a problem, and not everything I do is a problem, but I am THE problem right now, it seems.

Some other random musings on the subject . . .

It's only the people who know you the best and are the closest to you who can hurt you the worst. And if two people really are that close, it's certain each is equally miserable over problems. It's nice when friends spill over to work, but it sucks when problems from either spill into the other. Can you ever keep them apart, I wonder?

I don't want this to end . . . but does someone else feel my unintentional mistakes are serious enough to warrant killing off such a great, reassuring, confiding, comfortable, entertaining relationship that really and honestly works?